Somehow I havent blogged in a long long while... kinda worn out the initial intrigue bout this whole thing... but somehow i feel i need to say something about these few days otherwise i'll just feel very cooped up...
my parents arent at home... both of them went Malaysia for retreat and i din tag along this time round :) heh... so i have sometime alone in the house. time to think things through. time to miss them. my gor went out too. and he wont be home till quite late. hmm... havent really been happy happy these days. and somehow i cant find the reason. just not feeling peaceful within and not knowing the reason makes things worse. sigh. i get into these moody moods more and more often nowadays. i wonder why. was kinda more carefree in the past when i had more things to worry about. CCA, schwrk. Napfa (heh dun laugh, yes NAPFA) yup the days were filled but i enjoyed them. enjoyed having friends buzzing around me. enjoyed joking. enjoyed going to sch. now everything seems to be a drag at times. prob it's PMS. hope i can get over it.
Just saw my CA results today. hmm i did badly for anat. i expected it larh. i din study. haha that chok owes me $10 bucks at least now. hurmph he always loses to me but i never see the $$ one. hurmph. haha one day i shall hump thump him :) heh but i dont feel sad. somehow i'm numb to such things liao. cos they dont matter to me. not anymore. after going through so many sch days i realise the times when i did well was when i truly enjoyed studying when i just sat back and thought deeply about the subject. payed attention in class and go home to sleep my way through the rest of the day. It wasnt about cramming things in late at night. it was about sharing with frens, having fun in sch and making the learning experience enjoyable. that was in sec 4. 4/1 was just one special class which made sec sch a breeze for me. it was memorable. i want to be like that now. but medicine is different and i think we've all grown and i cant go back to what i used to be so i dont expect anybody to be too :) yup there's no more projects or discussion where we forge really close ties and learn from each other. guess it's time for me to learn to be independent too and really be responsible for my own learning and the results i get.
read Gifted Hands and Prey over the week. Gifted hands aka the Ben Carson story is a wonderful wonderful bk. really it gave me a lot of hope :) just hope i can be like Him, taking pride in this medicine career and always working to benefit humanity. Yup, i guess everyone has gifted hands, God blesses all of us with them. hmm it's just a matter of how we want to use it. God really works miracles. so really, just trust in Him and that's what i always tell myself. to leave my life in His good hands :) prey's nice too. it's fictional but somehow it struck let me see how much we control our lives by the things we do. and it's scary but it's a fact that if we push our limits too far, it eats away our life. yup, dream but dont let dream be your master. oh yah, this reminds me of a poem by rudyard kipling. shall go see if i can find it. then i'll put it up.
nah there you go. a bit long but makes a lot of sense. slowly read through it yarh :)

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Nice right? hard to achieve but i shall try. heh. ok shall stop here today.

? . 7:38 PM
...................